I have, on this date, been in the worse mood, that is until about 30 minutes ago, as of about 10 Pm. I have been feeling some kind of heavy weight. I could not understand why, but, it has been linger all day long.. I went to church this morning. Got there early, so had time to go check out the sound booth, which is where I sat at my previous church. Different kind of setup, but wouldn't be hard to learn.
As the sound booth area was filling up with the other people who work in it, I stepped out, as it was getting a little cramped. Made my way back to my seat, and that's when the weight I was already feeling, got even heavier.
The service was good, as they had a lot going on this palm Sunday. It probably would have been a lot better for me, had I not have been feeling the way I was feeling. Got through the service, and walked back home. Came in, did some things, and pulled up my former church via YouTube, and listened to their service as well.
Checked Facebook, and then pulled up blogger to attempt to finish the blog post I started last night. I've gotten further with it, but still not complete.
As I am reading over my intended blog, and checking it against the bible, looking up a couple of word definitions from another source, the topic I'm speaking about really started to weigh heavy on me. Started asking God, have I really had those attitudes?
I've recognized that on occasion, I briefly had some of those attitudes. Did they fester to long? I asked. I believe this gospel message LORD, but, am I believing it for everyone, but myself? I can give a list of reasons as to why that last question is a question.
I don't know how much of it is due to the low opinion I hold on myself, or something else, but underneath this bible knowledge I have, there are still feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and bitterness. To keep it real, that recognition made me feel like a hypocrite. How can I effectively tell other's about this wonderful message, when I'm not even appling it to myself That may just very well be the reason I am having trouble completing that blog.
with that, I recalled when I first kneeled at an alter. I can't recall an exact time or date, or even a specific burden that was weighing me down. I just know I went. I know what church I went to. And I know who all I was with. Even remember us sitting with one of my friends when I found out she attended that same church.
With all that's happened throughout this day, it got me to asking God, if what I have been thinking all these years as salvation was a false salvation. Had I made it real?
This drove me to my knees, this time, in sincerity. I told God that even though I had an understanding of His word, I really wasn't sure if my personal salvation was real, and that I wanted to make it real. The rest of the prayer is between me and God. One thing I can say is, the tears streaming down my cheeks was real, yet they weren't tears of sadness.
When I finished, I stood up, took a step to leave the room I was in, paused for a second, took another stepped, and felt what I can only describe as a warn chill from head to toe. One thing I know for sure, without a doubt; is, that heavy weight that has been weighing me down all day long is gone! I can't say that it left as soon as I felt that warm chill, I was back in where I sit for 10 or 15 minutes before I noticed that it was gone!
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